Feeling Good...at last!

I'm sorry if this post seems too personal, but since this blog has sorta replaced my journal, I feel it important to document my feelings and major life-changing events. It's no secret that I've been pretty down this last year. I don't really know what it was, but I just felt so alone and beaten that giving up before I started seemed like the best option. I would read other people's blogs and think "what is wrong with me...they seem so happy." Perhaps it was the combination of a very busy and stressful lifestyle combined with becoming a new mom, but in any case, it seemed much bigger than me.

I've had to do something that my very nature has never allowed me to do before...I had to rely on other people. Daily calls from my sister and even unexpected trips became necessary. I cannot even describe how trapped I felt, and how scared and alone I was making Jordan feel.

This last week, Jordan took it upon himself to tell his Dad that we needed to leave the ranch, possibly for good. He said he was sorry, but he didn't know what else he could do to help me. He thanked his Dad for helping us get our start, but explained that I was the most important thing to him.

After I heard him say this it was like I had an out-of-body experience. I thought "NO NO NO! This is NOT what I want! I love this place. This ranch just defines me as a person. I feel good here. I feel important here. I feel needed here." In any case, something snapped! It's as if I just woke up from a bad nightmare and discovered that I'm actually in paradise. I appologized to Jordan, and that night went and appologized to his parents, and for the first time in so long, I feel good. I feel whole again, and I feel like my father in Heaven is here guiding me. I wake up happy. I go to bed happy. I look at my beautiful little girl and feel so so so happy. She tears my house apart, and I feel happy! I get run down by an old, mean cow, and believe it or not...I feel HAPPY!!! That's actually a funny story which left some very interesting bruises...Jordan says I bruise like a peach! I do, I really do! I guess that what I'm saying is...I'm so happy with my life. I'm so happy to feel like me again. I'm so happy to have a husband that loves me enough to sacrifice all of his dreams for me. He is such a good man and a great father.

I'm so excited for the future. Everyday I wake up, kiss my husband, and smile. I am so lucky to have what I have, the greatest family, friends, and home. Thank you to everyone who let me lean on them this last year when I didn't have the strength to hold my own weight. Thank you to everyone who kept up correspondence. Your messages meant a lot to me, and thank you most of all to Jordan, who never gave up hope that someday his wife would return. I'm home, I'm really home!

Side Note: I came across these pictures today. So so blessed...