Scary Flashbacks...

I'm feeling a bit apprehensive...at least that's what Jordan says about himself. Anytime Jordan is anything but positive and optimistic, I'm nervous and scared for the future. The truth is...I'm VERY scared for the future. The end of 2010 has had some striking resemblances to the end of 2007 and the start of the year from HELL, 2008. The list is continually growing, but here's a few of the more scary flashbacks: we were audited in Dec. 2007, one week after Reiny was born...I just got audited again Nov. 9th, 2010, a week before Ryann was born. We had a new baby in 2007...we just had our second baby. We lost a bid on a huge project at the end of 2007...we just lost a bid on an even BIGGER project on Monday of this week. Due to some unfortunate accounting, we showed a huge profit at the end of 2007 and ended up paying a substantial amount of money to the IRS in taxes in 2008; so much in fact, that we actually had to take out a loan to cover the taxes!!!...no getting around it, we made money this year...enough to pay a substantial amount to the IRS again in taxes.

The list continues to grow...which only scares me further. I know that the reason 2008 sucked so bad dealt almost entirely with the way I chose to deal with these unfortunate and difficult situations, but what's to keep me from doing it again. That year was so horrible that even the thought of living another day of it seemed unbearable to me. I just don't think I could make it through another year like that. Not with all I have to do now.

I've been a bit preoccupied lately, what with the newborn up all night and all...but the last 2 days, as I've sat and pondered (freaked out, really) over the similarities of the end of this year and 2007, I've made a commitment to get up, get my day started, and accomplish all I can in that day. Yesterday was stressful, but I did get a lot done. Today was less stressful and I accomplished some tasks, but is that really enough?

I hate relying on other people, and I'm not very good at taking criticism...yes, I can openly admit that now. How do I get past these imperfections in myself so that I can be better in 2011 than I was in 2008? I'm scared. I'm scared to talk to Jordan about these fears. I'm scared to post this where people can read it...I'd much rather post cute pictures of my girls or stories about how funny and lovable they are, so that people don't see all my insecurities. If I do decide to post this entry, I guess it's my way of asking for help. Please help me. What advice do you have to get through this next year?

It's been a few weeks now, and my concerns are only growing...I think it's time to post this...

Ryann Eliza

Born: Sunday, November 14, 2010 at 3:03 pm
Weight: 7 lbs
Height: 20"

Well, she's here!! We had a doctor's appointment on the 12th and my blood pressure was up a little bit and I had lost more weight, so my doctor sent us to do a non-stress test at the hospital. The tests came back fine, but my doctor still thought we needed to get the baby delivered, so he sent me in to the hospital on Sunday to be induced. I wasn't crazy about this since I kinda wanted to go into labor on my own, but if he thought it was time, then I wasn't going to argue.

We got to the hospital at 7:30 am on Sunday and by 8 am they started me on antibiotics since I was Beta Strep positive. Then around 9:30 am they started the pitocin to induce labor. Just as I remembered, labor is painful!!! I did much better this time with not yelling at Jordan and telling him how bad he sucked for doing this to me, but then at about 11:30-12:00 pm the pain got to be a little too much and I got an epidural. Thank heavens for modern medicine!!!

My doctor checked me at 11 am and I was only dialated to a 3, so he said he was going to go home for some lunch and then be back. At around 2:30pm he came back and said "Well, let's see if you made any progress." He checked me real fast and then said "Ok...I better hurry and change cus this baby's coming now!" I wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time cus like 2 minutes before he came in to check me I almost said to Jordan "it feels like I should push," but then I thought that I was being crazy. Turns out I wasn't!

The doctor got back and I pushed through 3 contractions and pop! out she came! She was perfect and doing so well that she got to stay in the delivery room with us for over an hour before they took her to get washed. I cried. Jordan cried. It was the most amazing delivery ever!

She's absolutely beautiful, and as soon as I get my pictures back from Mary Kim Photography, I'll post some more pictures.