I'm feeling a bit apprehensive...at least that's what Jordan says about himself. Anytime Jordan is anything but positive and optimistic, I'm nervous and scared for the future. The truth is...I'm VERY scared for the future. The end of 2010 has had some striking resemblances to the end of 2007 and the start of the year from HELL, 2008. The list is continually growing, but here's a few of the more scary flashbacks: we were audited in Dec. 2007, one week after Reiny was born...I just got audited again Nov. 9th, 2010, a week before Ryann was born. We had a new baby in 2007...we just had our second baby. We lost a bid on a huge project at the end of 2007...we just lost a bid on an even BIGGER project on Monday of this week. Due to some unfortunate accounting, we showed a huge profit at the end of 2007 and ended up paying a substantial amount of money to the IRS in taxes in 2008; so much in fact, that we actually had to take out a loan to cover the taxes!!!...no getting around it, we made money this year...enough to pay a substantial amount to the IRS again in taxes.
The list continues to grow...which only scares me further. I know that the reason 2008 sucked so bad dealt almost entirely with the way I chose to deal with these unfortunate and difficult situations, but what's to keep me from doing it again. That year was so horrible that even the thought of living another day of it seemed unbearable to me. I just don't think I could make it through another year like that. Not with all I have to do now.
I've been a bit preoccupied lately, what with the newborn up all night and all...but the last 2 days, as I've sat and pondered (freaked out, really) over the similarities of the end of this year and 2007, I've made a commitment to get up, get my day started, and accomplish all I can in that day. Yesterday was stressful, but I did get a lot done. Today was less stressful and I accomplished some tasks, but is that really enough?
I hate relying on other people, and I'm not very good at taking criticism...yes, I can openly admit that now. How do I get past these imperfections in myself so that I can be better in 2011 than I was in 2008? I'm scared. I'm scared to talk to Jordan about these fears. I'm scared to post this where people can read it...I'd much rather post cute pictures of my girls or stories about how funny and lovable they are, so that people don't see all my insecurities. If I do decide to post this entry, I guess it's my way of asking for help. Please help me. What advice do you have to get through this next year?
It's been a few weeks now, and my concerns are only growing...I think it's time to post this...
The past week's happenings...
13 years ago
2 comments:
I have depression, and anxiety, and I get feeling this way sometimes. I know I'm not "supposed" to feel upset, scared, worried, or angry, but I can't help it. Really, the thing that helps me most of all, is to say to my husband "Robert, I'm feeling this way, and I don't know why." or "I'm really worrying about such and such. I can't get it off my mind. It's making me feel anxious and scared What can we do?" In my experience he always has a different view of the situation that makes me feel less nervous. Also, he is really good to say things like "well, it's okay to feel that way, sometimes we can't help it. Just remember that I love you, no matter how you feel." I really don't know if any of this is helping. Sometimes just knowing that someone else knows exactly how you are feeling is nice. My mom says "when things in life seem hard to handle, just know that God is watching over you. I know, because I asked him to." I'll pray for you to feel better. And hey, post some pics of that new princess if you get a chance, I don't get to do much dressing up or accessorizing on mine:)
Just remember the talk from General Conference a year back or so "Come what May and Love it"
We will continue to keep your family in our prayers!
Sure do love you! Call me if I can be of some help!
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